Christmas is her favourite holiday... My wife loves Christmas. We once quarrelled over the origin of Christmas and that almost breaks us apart... With much reluctance, I got a new Christmas Tree last year for her. It was the last time that tree will ever stand in my house. My house is so empty without her... everything is so despairing... There is no point in putting up a Christmas tree anymore. I lost a home and until now, the only reason I can think of is that God wants me to rely on Him totally in her absence. The kind of agony I am going through, only God knows and understands.
Perhaps due to the Christmas season, I am particularly lonely and depressed. So, I was really grateful to many of the brothers and sisters who gave me the company that I badly needed yesterday and today. Just like the picture, which depicts a coming storm with sunshine in the background, somewhere not too far away... My feelings now is generally sad... I cried a few times in the car and tears welled up at times for no reasons... My only comfort lies in the sunshine not too far ahead... that God will one day lift me up from all these sadness.
Today's Christmas message really spoke to me. It reminds me once again that God loves me no matter what. Though I am "walking through the valley of the shadow of death..." He is there with me, to comfort me and to walk me through all these. This is the comfort I needed from His Precious Word, something that I hold dearly in my heart ever since she left. God's provisions are always more than sufficient... when I feel lonely and down... He always stirs the hearts of some brothers and sisters to remember me... to ask me out for coffee... for a good fellowship... I really appreciate all those company. It has kept me alive till now.
My students... do not worry... I still want to teach all of u and make sure all of u get to the jcs that u want. Teaching is the other thing that kept me sane. Teaching is my calling and passion... so I will do it to the best of my ability for His Glory. It is also at this time, that God gave me another interest... photography.... something to keep me occupied. But maybe due to my sadness, I find myself shooting two types of pictures... one is a sad scene, something that evokes a lot of feelings.... the other, laughter or a nice smile... perhaps something I lack these days. As the year comes to a close, I would like to thank all my students, both past and present, for all your kind understanding and support during this very difficult year. God gave me all of u to keep my life going. Just as I am going to struggle and do my best to emerge victorious at the end, it is my prayer that all of u will do the same. Fight a good fight and never give up even at the very end. Sometimes, it is good to know that it is not the results but the process.
For my friends out there, reading this... I will not do anything foolish. I am just expressing my inner thoughts so that I will feel a lot more better. At times, I really hope to call one of u and cry out loud in front of u. Even as I am typing this... tears just rolled down... Guess I am a sendimental guy who holds all relationships very dearly to my heart. I am getting used to this ups and downs that I am facing... but I wonder how my wife is doing? Is she going through the same depression as me or is she ... ?
Like i said... this is a sad Christmas for me but there are moments where I can feel the sense of comfort and joy from God, in spite of all that has happened to me. I have learnt to count my blessings... and more importantly, I must learn my lesson... I always fail in relationships... and I hope this is the last one that I fail. The only relationship that is ever so sweet and strong is that between God and me. No one, not one can take that from me. So, no matter what, I am reminded of His Love for all of us during this Christmas Season and I pray that all those going through a difficult time like me... to have this faith in Him that He will see us through.
"be strong and of a good courage..."
